What Is Wrong With You?

What is wrong with you?
You spend your life manipulating the fabric of us,
Teasing our strings until we are stretched,
Strung out so tight we may snap at any minute;
Picking holes in our reluctant defences
And fraying the very seams which connect us.

Bite The Bullet

Expectation provokes me to look forward,
Tempts me into securing hasty predictions,
Formulating detailed imagined realities,
Of which all scare me from stepping
Forwards, out; beginning or choosing,
Every breath inhabits new weight,
Harmless ideas prick my unstable heart.

Then, the hurt becomes so real,
My imagined future already so vivid,
I may as well have taken the plunge,
Stopped ruminating on cycles of it
And simply leapt off of the cusp of possibility.

 

Recently, I came across an article on Mind, the mental health charity’s, website which spoke about the mental health benefits of mindfulness. It’s message about acknowledging your thought patterns and asking yourself why you feel that way rather than running away from your feelings because you are ashamed, confused or embarrassed was profound and related to so many things which I have been experiencing lately.

Mindfulness is about treating yourself with compassion, accepting your current mental state without berating yourself for how you feel and taking control of how you react to your thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, mindfulness can be portrayed as a very vague idea which appears incompatible with your life but once you look into the principals and roots of mindfulness, you might just realise that it speaks to you much more than you initially expected.

If you are interested, you can read the article by clicking on this link:
About Mindfulness | Mind, the mental health charity

How did this happen?

When did we stop –
Telling our location from the trees?
The sky, now, is pixellated,
Distorted through the lens of a window,
And now I am scared to go outside.

Leaves are swept away,
Dirty inconvenience out of sight,
Childhood fun out of mind,
We sleep through the birds’ call,
Then ignore the disappearing hours.

I used to love the stars in the sky,
Now they are choked by wires,
And aerials reach-up, further conquering.
If the night sky was no longer,
Who would look through pollution
And wonder, where our kin had gone,
Or if we will be next to disappear under?

 

Food for thought and what has provoked this poem:

Each car in London costs NHS and society £8,000 due to air pollution

Our natural world is disappearing before our eyes by George Monbiot

Missed Inspiration

With no open tunnel
Towards the mind or the heart,
The mist of inspiration
Drifts, drifts sullenly along,
Passes by unreceptive lives,
Curls hopefully around
A heart hurt with longing;
Broken streams of mysticism
Cast shadows along dreamt stories.

Are We Missing Something?

Through the eyes of my animals,
I see constellations, not flowers,
Vast fields of jewels in the sky,
Not an opaque glass ceiling,
My animals see beauty and life
Where before I just saw home.

Excitement is a life force in their eyes;
A sparkle betraying the fire of curiosity,
Underneath this lies the loving flutter
Of hearts set on adventure and discovery,
To them no walk is just a walk.

Love shines through them,
From the patter of their paws at a run,
To their heavy panting of anticipation,
Everyday is the beginning of a new story;
Opportunity in the enchantment of their world.

Upskirting

For those of you who don’t know, I live in England. Yesterday, the British government was on the verge of passing a Bill through Parliament which would make up-skirting a criminal offence, punishable by a maximum prison term of two years. However, this potentially momentous occasion was scuppered by a Conservative MP (who does not deserve to be named) who simply had to shout-out ‘object’, in order to stop the Bill being passed. I know that I do not usually talk about political matters but this event has left me so angry that I feel it warrants being spoken about on here.

There is no doubt that up-skirting is a vile invasion of privacy which humiliates victims and leaves them with long-term anxiety about their safety when out in public. Taking a photo of someone up their clothing is another way in which the objectification and sexualisation of women’s bodies is pervading all facets of society. How can anyone, in good conscience, allow this gross mistreatment of people (which can occur in broad daylight, anytime and anywhere) to continue? The fact that people feel they need to censor their clothing and how they move in society so as to avoid being preyed upon is disgraceful. People who take these unsolicited images should be held to account. It just seems like common sense!

The MP who blocked this Bill from being passed has recently been knighted – obviously not for advocating the cause of public safety I would assume. The fact that he only had to say one word – ‘object’ – to stop the Bill is an affront to democracy as well as an insult to those who have fallen victim of up-skirting. These victims were made to feel powerless and could do nothing to stop their perpetrators leaving in possession of the photos they obtained through predatory behaviour, yet this MP only had to utter one word in order to condemn hundreds of people to the experience of injustice. How can he sleep at night? He is responsible for the constituents in the area he represents, does he not think of those people whom he has left feeling unprotected and undervalued despite having voted him into power in good faith? He said that he objected the Bill on ‘principle’, what possible principle could allow you to condone innocent people being preyed upon?

This whole issue seems crazy to me. Up-skirting is disgusting, so why is it not a criminal offence? I’d love to know other people’s opinions on this, as you can tell this whole saga has got me pretty riled!

If you want to read more about this, here are some links:

Sky News: Upskirting Law

TIME Magazine: A Law to Ban Upskirting Was Just Blocked in the UK

What I Have Learnt From Living Alone

In the September of 2017, I took the step to start living on my own. Beforehand, I thought that this change was going to be a breeze, so I stepped into this new living arrangement  overly confident and was not prepared for the realities of what would come. Within hours of moving all of my stuff into my little flat, I completely crumbled and sat on my bed sobbing. I could hear the sounds of people nearby holding parties and people’s laughter outside my room seemed to torment me. I wondered why I was so different to everyone else. Why didn’t I enjoy parties and like having friends around? I questioned my motivation for deciding to live alone and worried about what I was actually planning to do with my life – everything seemed so intensely intimidating and up in the air all at the same time.

It was my second night living on my own that I started this blog. I needed an outlet, something to pour my thoughts out into as well as a place where I could feel less lonely than I did in real life. Originally I called this site ‘Messed Up Mind’ because that was the statement I felt truly summarised the state I was in at the time. I felt trapped by the haunting presence of depression and anxiety which both limited me from living the life I had imagined for myself.

Eventually, I began to adapt though. I can’t lie, there were still many more tearful evenings to come but through the help of others as well as the self-confidence which writing on this blog gave me, I gained a new appreciation for life and found a new rhythm to live to. Once I re-embraced my creativity, I stopped feeling so terrible about myself for being different to other people; I realised that we are all individuals with our own journeys to navigate. Without further ado, here is a list of things I have learnt from living alone:

1) Living on the bottom floor of a block of flats has its downsides

Whilst you have less stairs to trudge up and down whilst moving in or struggling with heavy shopping, there are some disadvantages to being on the ground floor. Namely, I have found myself creeped-out by people who feel entitled to look into my flat whilst they walk past my window. Rationally I know that they probably mean no harm but it can be quite unsettling to have people staring into the place where you live. Also, I have woken-up multiple times to groups of drunk people singing The White Stripes just outside my bedroom window because there is a green space right next to me through which people stumble home. At times I could see the funny side of this but in other moments I wanted to scream in frustration that I was losing sleep because of people’s poor karaoke versions of ‘Seven Nation Army’.

2) You will deal with the unexpected as it arises and these instances will become lasting memories

From my block of flat’s fire alarm going off multiple times at 3 AM to a hole opening in my bathroom ceiling, a fair few things happened to me which I was not prepared for. If you had asked me a year ago whether I could have coped with some of these things I would have said ‘definitely not’. However, water falling through my ceiling did not leave me as the crumpled mess I would have expected. Instead, I ran out of bed and dealt with the situation whilst also being pretty self-conscious for the next few days because I couldn’t use my shower (oh, the glamour)! Essentially, when you are met with the unexpected, for the most part, you will surprise yourself and surpass your own expectations. The pride which this grows within you will hold you in good stead for whatever comes next.

3) Asking for help always turns out easier than your mind tells you it will be 

Just because you are living alone does not mean that you have to suffer in silence. You are not being a burden or a failure if you reach out for help, actually you are showing a huge amount of inner strength and resilience. Just because you are now in a living situation where you have to take full responsibility for yourself and be self-sustaining does not mean that you cannot look around for other people to help you out. Also, whilst your mind tells you that this will be a horrible experience, more often than not people are receptive when you ask for their help.

4) The feeling of defeat will pass

When I had to deal with rudeness, people giving me knock-backs and being treated poorly, it was a new experience not being able to immediately vent to another person I was living with and receive empathy in person. However, these feelings of being defeated and wanting to give-up trying to make a life for myself did not last forever and, now I look back on them, they don’t have the same effect on me as they used to, the pain is no longer raw. Experiencing these instances are horrible but they will not come to define you a couple months or a year after they occurred and you can be proud of that.

5) Do not feel embarrassed about feeling lonely or isolated

These feelings do not mean that you are over-sensitive or childish or weak, feeling lonely is not something to be ashamed of. Take these emotions seriously because their long-term effects and consequences can be painful if you do not tackle them head-on. Hiding your reality from others will not help, instead personal growth comes from learning about yourself and what makes you feel happy and content.

6) Eating cereal for every meal is not a good idea

You may not know this about me but cereal is my favourite food, so, of course, once I started living on my own I over-indulged and basically just ate cereal with the occasional piece of toast every once in a while. Whilst it is tempting to give-into that newfound feeling of freedom and give yourself whatever food you want, you probably won’t thank yourself in the long-run. Do not give yourself the licence to neglect your health just because there is no-one looking over your shoulder to tell you not to (says she who just had cereal for dinner!).

 

Information on loneliness by the mental health charity ‘Mind’ – here is a link if you are struggling with the feelings of loneliness which I mentioned above.

World Environment Day 2018!

It’s World Environment Day today, June 5th. You wouldn’t know it for looking around you though. Hardly anybody seems to be talking about it and brands have also managed to overlook the occasion. On other days of the year, like Valentines Day, it seems that everywhere you look you cannot escape the celebrations of the day. Yet, when it comes to showing appreciation for the world we live in and whose vital natural processes we take for granted, the vast majority of people don’t appear to care.

Nature is constantly working for us and sustaining itself in the most beautiful ways. Then humans come along and consistently put corporate greed and profit before environmental welfare. We dwindle away natural resources without a care in the world, sometimes not even noticing that we are doing it. I truly believe that there is not enough outrage about this in the world. Who decided that humans have the inherent right to become parasites of the Earth? We keep feeding off of the environment and taking more and more away from it day by day but never giving anywhere near enough back in return.

Human greed and recklessness has brought climate change down upon our heads yet the President of the United States refuses to acknowledge it as a serious threat. Our oceans are plagued with plastic and Governments would rather compromise a community’s water supply than lose out on profits from oil pipelines. The British Government chose today, World Environment Day, to confirm their plans to build a third runway at Heathrow Airport regardless of the fact that aviation is one of the largest growing contributors to emissions and London has failed to meet its own air pollution targets for years. Where is the outrage? 

We do not have the right to play God with nature.

We are ruining the environment and it is future generations who will face the dear consequences.

When will our selfishness stop?

My Creative Addiction

It is when the pen is flowing,
The soft resistance of paper –
Teasing but yielding at your touch –
Is crazingly addictive.
When your hand tingles,
Fingertips itching to pour out your brain;
The satisfaction burns warm,
Glowing from your chest to flutter the heart.

This is the moment you come back to,
Where it seems insane that you would not turn,
Spin graspingly for your pen,
Regardless of time, day or pain
Because this is what you are:
The addiction you were born to submit to.

An Enchanted World

I want to live within magic;
A world poured out of a bewildered brain,
A bottomless pool of novelty,
Where everything is enchanted
But nothing is the same.

My dream; to step onto a path, not a street,
Nobody to reveal gritty reality,
An unspoken absence of terrified grins
Or over-probing eyes,
To fuel the rediscovery of personal space.

A magical world where a life is one’s own;
An earth not abuzz with static electricity
But built upon the fabric of adventure. 

“Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic” – Albus Dumbledore