Is it ironic to write about writers’ block? Probably, but it feels like the only way to exercise this frustration I am feeling with myself. I have a lot of blog post ideas rattling around in my head but I cannot muster-up the confidence to actually make them come to life on my computer screen. Sometimes I get as far as writing the title but then the image of unimpressed readers’ faces float before my eyes and I convince myself that no-one will be interested in what I have to say.
It’s frustrating, largely because I know that I should be writing for myself rather than trying to complete the impossible task of writing to please anyone and everyone who could possibly stumble across my post.
Without the release of writing on this blog, a build-up of emotions start to compile inside me which is difficult to navigate without an outlet.
A list of draft posts, all asking for my attention, are left unfinished to differing degrees. I cannot conjure the energy to conquer all of the voices telling me to give-up trying with my writing ideas, so I just leave the drafts to gather metaphorical dust.
All of the poems I have been posting recently, I wrote in one hour on a couple of days (largely when a measure of desperation had set-in and I knew that I had no other choice to write-out my distress otherwise it was going to eat me up inside). It’s hard to have confidence in what your mind is telling you to write when you are struggling to trust your own mind in the first place. So, I start and then all of my insecurities and worries come crashing back down into the forefront of mind – a weight of thoughts I do not always want to wade through.
Bear with me, if you will.
One thing I am learning is that you cannot force yourself to write.
I think I am addicted to the feeling of accomplishment and pride I get when I can press ‘publish’ on a blog post. I feel a rush of productivity through my veins and a sense that I am at least capable of something. Blogging gives me a focus and an outlet to scream into the void all of the things that I am too scared to tell people in real life. Writing gives me a release as I can vomit out all of my feelings into a post and then try to move on with my day.
However, I have realised that I cannot force myself to write a blog post just so that I can get those feelings. Well, I can but the post will be crap because I am not writing it after feeling compelled to do so after an experience or encountering a certain feeling. Instead, I am writing out of desperation. Posts that I save in my drafts and write when I am not feeling moved by anything do not even sound like me. I sound forced and strained as I pile pressure on myself to produce something so that I can feel productive and good about myself.
I want to make a resolution to not punish myself on those days when words will only trip and fall clumsily from my brain to my fingertips and the letters pressed on the keyboard do not make sense. Creating anything from your own brain is an achievement because you are the only person who could ever write exactly what you have written; your creativity is unique. Therefore, treat it kindly. Do not batter it into submission and berate it when ideas do not easily flow through you and excite your heart as you are writing. Instead, nurture your creativity and chalk each day down to experience. If you hate what you write one day, at least you can learn from it and remember to tell yourself that you have still produced something that is entirely you.