January Recap/The Worst Month Of My Life

TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCES TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF-HARM AND ALCOHOL MISUSE.

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted on this blog in quite a while. In all honesty I have not been mentally well enough to build-up the energy required to write a blog post. January has been a whirlwind of anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, confusion and excessive amounts of alcohol. I had four assessments (two exams and two essays) to complete during January in order to finish my first semester’s classes. However, I did not turn-up to either exam and I did not write the essays, let alone submit any. During the week I was supposed to do my assessments, I spiralled out of control and eventually had to tell an advisor at my University’s Student Life Centre that I no longer felt I could keep myself safe. So, the day culminated in my trip to Accident & Emergency where at least I felt I was in a safe and protected environment.

For context, over a two week period, I had been getting black-out drunk everyday, self-harming, unable to eat properly so I was faint and found it difficult to walk and having brutal panic attacks. So, I became suicidal. I felt like life was not worth living if I was going to have to struggle miserably through everyday of my life. I was shocked by how low I had become so quickly, I had never once come close to skipping exams and abandoning deadlines or felt in such a depth of crisis. So, I abused my body; hoping to die of alcohol poisoning due to the amount I was drinking, cutting became a refuge in which I could express my self-hatred. Intrusive thoughts filled my mind everyday, graphic images of committing suicide and hurting myself. I was hopeless.

I returned home from University and realised that only option was to temporarily withdraw from University and restart my second year in September. I knew that if I went back in February when my next semester was to start I would be putting myself in a very vulnerable place because, honestly, there was no way I could cope with being at University and pretending all was well with my as I continued my studies. So, I have now withdrawn from University until September. It’s hard not to feel like a failure at the moment, like I have disappointed myself and those around me greatly. However, I know that this is what I needed to do for my health’s sake.

Since being at home, I’ve had to have difficult, honest conversations with people. I have felt guilty burdening my family with my daily presence considering how low and anxious I have been, I know I am dragging the mood down everyday. I feel helpless. I have spent a lot of my time trying to find a psychotherapist, even considering committing to day hospital. For now, I’m not sure what I will do.

 

If you want to hear my daily ramblings, follow me onĀ Twitter – @RyanBInNature

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Night Guard and Onto 40mg?

Today was the day I had been waiting for in fearful trepidation. The thought of going to the dentist and the hygienist is truly nerve-wracking for me, so I spend the week-or-so leading up to the appointments worrying about what might happen and agonising over everything that could possibly go wrong. I am relieved to say that both the dentist and the hygienist were very happy with my teeth and gums. However, I did have to be fitted for a night guard to wear over my teeth at night to prevent me damaging my teeth and jaw through grinding and clenching them. I already knew that, due anxiety and stress, I clench my jaw in my sleep but the dentist wanted to prevent long-term damage coming from it, so wearing a mouth guard in my sleep is going to be an experience!

I went to my GP again last week and was told to double my antidepressant dose from 20mg to 40mg. To me, this is nerve-wracking, as this particular antidepressant caused me side-effects when I went on it initially (after trialling Sertraline unsuccessfully for a year), so I am worried that these side-effects will return. However, I do see the logic in doubling my dose because I have been particularly low recently; having suicidal ideation and engaging in destructive behaviour. It feels slightly like I am in a catch-22; if I don’t double my dose I risk carrying-on feeling this way, however if I do make the increase then I face having all of the side-effects return which will possibly make me more depressed because they may leave me unable to do much.

Recently, my focus has moved away from criticising myself for the things I do and the ways I feel towards accepting these negative aspects of myself and trying to protect myself as best I can from them. Constantly fighting against the dark parts of me has been making me feel lost and hopeless, so until I get the therapy I require to attempt to undermine these negative thoughts and behaviours, I will instead just try to prioritise protecting myself from long-term damage. Hopefully, when I eventually do get more treatment, I will be able to rebuild my habits in a healthier form with the help of a mental health professional, right now trying to do this on my own seems an insurmountable and possibly dangerous task.

 

If you want to hear my daily ramblings, follow me on Twitter – @RyanBInNature

 

Find some of my other mental health related life-updates here:

My Relationship With Alcohol

Antidepressants and Nightmares

A Mental Health Update

A Mental Health Update

Recently so many mental health issues have reared their heads and spun out of control in my life that I thought it may be useful for me to write about them all in a blog post to see if that helps me not feel so overwhelmed by my emotions.

TW: TALK OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL IDEATION

Firstly, the feeling of hopelessness has been following me around for weeks. Like my shadow, it has shown me darkness in every moment or situation I have been in. Hopelessness has fed on my fear that no matter what I do my life will always be controlled by my mental health conditions which I will never have the power to make better. I have despaired for hours on end about how I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel and I have lost faith that one day I may be free of all the negativity which constantly weighs me down. I’m starting to believe that my mental health is a life sentence.

My anxiety has been running wild lately. Without the energy to tame it, the beast has chained me to my flat and isolated me from everyone. Even when I do manage to creep outside my front door and brave the wider world, it haunts my every step and tells me that I should sprint back inside before something terrible happens. Almost everyday I wake-up feeling nauseous and ill because of my anxiety. Butterflies in my tummy remind of the dangers which could lurk around every corner and the worries in my mind paint the world to be a very dangerous place.

Partnering with my chaotic anxiety, my OCD has flared-up again. Intrusive thoughts have taken on a graphic hue and I cannot look at certain people without the thought of them harming me flashing constantly across my mind. My OCD informs me that everyone is dangerous and that I am vulnerable to being attacked every second of the day, so I am left scared, vulnerable and confused even in my own home.

Self-harm has crept its devious way back into my life. Yet again, I have to keep my arms covered by long sleeves so no-one can see the evidence of what I do to myself. The loathing I feel towards myself has yet again manifested itself in violence and I feel like a defenceless pawn in self-harm’s twisted game.

I have been at the brink of thinking that life is no longer worth living. However, I sought help and went to speak to my local mental health team with the faith that, once they heard what I had to say, they would know how to help me. Instead, it turns out that I left the centre with a couple of numbers written down on a flimsy piece of paper and the encouragement to self-refer myself to a charity, as if this was something I had not already tried. This felt like a kick in the teeth. They ignored my request to review my medication and, although I have a final review appointment booked there, I have no enthusiasm to return to their service again after this experience. Finding no help available for the one place you hoped may give you some answers is so deflating it is almost too painful to think about.

The atmosphere of University has only been exacerbating my problems. Everything feels worse in the context of this high-pressured environment, in which I am surrounded by people to compare myself unfavourably to. I look around and see people able to move around without being heaved down by the weight of anxiety and depression, then self-loathing fills up my body and soul again with a vengeance.

 

 

CONTACT ME:

Twitter – @RyanBInNature