Another Gratitude List!

Things have been rocky lately (how many times do I start off a blog post with those words?!). In short, I have experienced some very unsettling mental health symptoms which are new to me and got me seriously concerned and fearful, I then changed medication and am waiting for my body (and mind) to adjust to these tablets. However, through the whirlwind of mental health confusion which has left me trying to catch my breath at times, I have seen glimpses of things I am so sincerely grateful for. Surrounding myself online with positive (yet realistic) accounts, whether that be on Instagram, WordPress or Twitter, has yet again realigned my perspective and made me give time, no matter how small, to the things I am grateful for. So, here’s a gratitude list from me to the world!

1) The seasonal change to autumn.
From the leaves changing colour to the crisp edge on the air, autumn is definitely upon us. I am thankful for this change of season because it has brought my attention back to nature. Consciously looking out for the changes in my surroundings, whether big or small, has made me undergo a whole new process of appreciation for the environment. When you can see the world around you as beautiful, it is one more weight taken off of your burdened heart and a way to look around you and feel some sense of hope.

2) Having access to mental health services
I retain the right to say that I firmly believe mental health services in the UK are critically underfunded by the government and so what they can offer people is curtailed by the lack of support they are given by the state. However, I am grateful that I do have access to support when so many people around the world are suffering completely alone in a whole variety of different, heartbreaking, situations. I am immensely grateful that I was able to get an appointment with a GP, talk honestly about how I felt regarding my medication and have him give me a way to reach out to the services I need. I want to say a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart to the people who work in our National Health Service, as time and again they tirelessly try against the odds to help us in anyway they can.

3) My dogs aka the lights of my life!
Being reunited with my dogs has undoubtedly given me a huge boost (as it always does). Their boundless enthusiasm for life, their endless love and devotion as well as the all-round silly and ridiculous things they do which make me laugh out loud, are the things which really keep me going sometimes. I could write for hours and hours about all the ways they have improved me as a person and given me a little chink of sunlight in my life when I have felt completely hopeless. However, for now, suffice to say that I love them both so dearly and genuinely see them as my best friends.

4) The ability to cook
For me, self-care always starts with looking after my nutrition. Eating properly gives me a foundation from which I can start to feel better about my day and show myself some compassion. Preparing my meals is therapeutic in itself, then actually appreciating the fact that I have made the effort to give my body a nutritious and healthy meal allows me to shift my perspective which usually focuses on my habit of self-loathing.

5) Music
Whilst my ears have probably suffered from my reliance on music, at least putting my earphones in and drowning out the world has given me some peace of mind at times throughout these past few weeks. As always, I am immensely grateful to Paramore, Twenty One Pilots and Dodie Clark for making such raw, honest and insightful music. The fact that they don’t dress-up life as an easy ride in their lyrics gives me so much comfort whilst the beautiful music which laces together their words affords me hours of escapism.

 

YOU CAN FIND ME HERE…

Twitter – @RyanBInNature

Instagram – @awalkwithnature00

 

Advertisements

Anniversary Feelings, Reminiscing And Getting Emotional

This is a very impromptu blog post but today I clicked onto my WordPress page and the notification came up to tell me that this is my blog’s one year anniversary and a lot of thoughts and emotions sprung into my mind.

This little milestone reminds me of the place I was in when I created this blog in the first place. I was living on my own for the first time, 18 years old and hating every inch of University life with a bitter passion. I could hear parties and the laughter of tipsy freshers from my lonely little room and I felt so horribly and completely alone. I felt like I was an outsider looking in, never really understanding other people and feeling isolated because I didn’t enjoy any of the things my peers were into.

I had heard so many people say that University was the best few years of their life and that they had made their best friends during their time away in Higher Education. Many of the adults I knew even met their spouses at University, yet there I was struggling under the weight of depression and anxiety in my room, away from everyone else.

This is where blogging came in. I wanted to stop feeling so lonely and also I craved a place I could pour all my thoughts and feelings into. I needed an outlet as well as a place to connect with other people. Creating a WordPress blog allowed me to do both of those things and my site began to signify to me a place of understanding and belonging.

Over the year which my blog has been running, I have been inspired by so many people. I discovered some of the most creative people I have ever come across on poetry blogs who create beautiful content on a daily basis. I have also been uplifted by lifestyle blogs which have caused me to find an interest in minimalism, as well as helping me on my veganism journey. Mental health blogs have given me a feeling of solidarity and the knowledge that I am not alone in my struggles with depression, anxiety and OCD.

My blog has served as my safe space over the past year whilst a lot has changed in my life. From starting University to coming out as transgender, my journey has been at times rocky and intimidating but my blog has allowed me to express all of my thoughts and emotions during these big life milestones.

I am so thankful to the me of one year ago who took the step to make a WordPress blog. I was battling with suicidal ideation and chronic anxiety which left me unable to leave my room for long periods of time but making this site was the best decision I could have made. I am also immensely grateful to you, the people who read my posts. Anyone who has left me a comment or a like over the past year, please know that these little gestures have probably made my day a whole lot better and made me feel less alone in this world.

Having moved into my new flat yesterday, I am excited to see what the next year holds for me. I don’t know what my life will look like in a year’s time, where I will be in my transition or what the state of my mental health will be but, for the first time in a long time, I am feeling hope for my future self as well as happiness that this blog will be there with me every step of the way!

 

Missed Inspiration

With no open tunnel
Towards the mind or the heart,
The mist of inspiration
Drifts, drifts sullenly along,
Passes by unreceptive lives,
Curls hopefully around
A heart hurt with longing;
Broken streams of mysticism
Cast shadows along dreamt stories.

My Little Treasures

Sometimes life feels like too big a picture to even contemplate. The landscape of responsibilities, obligations and pressures looks like it could swallow you up in its utter vastness. So, I think it is valuable to your sanity to cut that landscape up into manageable chunks and look at it in a way which makes it less scary. Looking at the minute details can help with that, especially when you find the beauty in the smaller things. Things that look inconsequential and easy to look over at first may just serve as your saving graces.

My gratitude list of little things I am grateful for:

1) Writing in a notebook with a fountain pen
2) Lighting candles when I’m working
3) When my dog lies his head on my lap
4) The feeling of soil on my hands when I plant flowers
5) Drinking a cup of tea while sitting on the sofa
6) The luscious green of the grass and trees outside
7) The sense of serenity which fills me when I practice yoga
8) The way my dream catcher looks in the morning light
9) Breathing in my mother’s perfume

‘Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.’ – John Milton

My Bucket List

Focusing on long-term goals can make your present feel a bit brighter, like there is something to look forward to or a milestone that you are working towards. Making my bucket list gave me a real insight into who I am and what I want from life, from the smaller things to the bigger desires on my list.

  • To become a published author
  • To live abroad
  • To get a tattoo of a phoenix
  • To live in a caravan for a period of time
  • To visit Vancouver Island
  • To learn Danish
  • To be self-employed, at least for a while
  • To visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando
  • To do yoga outside as the sun sets in a foreign country
  • To lie outside as the sun rises in a foreign country
  • To do a charity swimathon
  • To adopt a greyhound
  • To hike the Appalachian Trail

Creating my bucket list has been a really fun experience. Please share in the comments what dreams you have for the future!

‘Dreams are the touchstones of our characters’ – Henry David Thoreau

10 Motivational Quotes

  1. ‘The older you get, the more fragile you understand life to be. I think that’s good motivation for getting out of bed joyfully each day.’ – Julia Roberts
  2. ‘Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay.’ – Simone De Beauvoir
  3. ‘The secret of getting ahead is getting started.’ – Mark Twain
  4. If you can dream it, you can do it.’ – Walt Disney
  5. ‘I attribute my success to this – I never gave or took any excuse.’ – Florence Nightingale
  6. ‘There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.’ – Nelson Mandela
  7. Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.’ – W Clement Stone
  8. ‘Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new centre of gravity. Don’t fight them. Just find a new way to stand.’ – Oprah Winfrey
  9. ‘Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.’ – Ralph Waldo Emerson
  10. ‘If you ever think of giving up, remember why you held on for so long.’ – Hayley Williams (of Paramore)

I’M MOVING ON…

Recently, I had become weighed down by the routine and responsibilities of life. This sounds like the most stereotypical millennial thing to say but why should that stop me? It’s true. The transition into University life has been difficult; the constant pressing down of academia on any and all of my spare time and the looming dread of deadlines and exams have been a burden. At Uni there is a constant pressure to be many people all at the same time; the ambitious person with a five-year plan, the social butterfly, the student who juggles five extra-curriculars, the party animal and the person who can survive on four hours sleep a night and powers themselves on a constant stream of the bitterest black coffee. Why do we do this to ourselves? Honestly, I have no idea. We are so caught-up in trying to copy everyone else that we forget how to be ourselves and do what we came here to do; to develop as a person.

Cynicism seems to be the most popular currency at Uni. I know that the world can be a very dark place but constantly working to seek out and analyse those dark spaces can be exhausting. I feel like in my first term I forgot to give myself a relief from all the critical arguments and debates which I felt that I had to constantly keep pace with in my classes. My course demanded that I immerse myself completely in other people’s pain or become just generally distrustful of everyone and everything in the world. That was not sustainable or healthy.

Now I have made it my mission to remind myself to actually breathe. To not weigh myself down so heavily with the cynicism of academic theory and the pressure to be a hundred people all at once. For me, I do this by looking around me and seeing what is actually happening, taking in the moment rather than constantly burying myself in articles which are telling me that the world as we know it is coming to an end or that we are falling into our inevitable doom as a species. Instead, I am focusing on issues that I am passionate about and that I can have an actual effect on, especially the environment. Living a more sustainable and eco-friendly life makes me feel productive and like I am giving energy back into the world rather than parasitically sucking it out. I am organising things that I can look forward to and enjoy, rather than scheduling work experience placements to bulk-out my CV.

I am so privileged that I can take a breath and think about what is best for me and my health. I am not having to constantly struggle to provide a living for myself or work a 9-5 job and I should take advantage of that because who knows what my life will be like in the future and what it will demand of me? For now at least, positive choices are ones which work towards bettering my mental health rather than my grades. If that means taking a path which I was not initially planning on, then so be it…

GRATITUDE…

This post is largely just going to be about me – probably quite a boring topic for others to read about! Although, I’m just writing this because I feel that it is really relevant to my mental health journey and I want to chronicle the change in my perspective over time. So, feel free to instantly click-off if you are reading this, genuinely I won’t blame you!

This week has been a pretty tough one for me; from going back to Uni, to my doctors’ appointment taking an unexpected turn to suffering the effects of my own disorganisation. In the past I would have taken this week as a complete write-off and lamented the different things which did not go as well as they could have. Doing this in the past has constantly made me feel like a failure, like there’s no hope and like there is no point in trying at life because tough things appear at every turn. However, this time I am making the conscious decision to appreciate the difficulty in life, not love it but learn to like it for everything it teaches me, the new paths it takes me on and the way it challenges me to approach things better next time. Also, the difficult parts of life do not inherently have to overshadow the positive bits, they are not superior or deserving of more attention and positivity certainly should not be cast aside so that negativity can hog the limelight. So, this week I am writing a gratitude list about the positive things that have happened this week that I am grateful for:

  • My mum packed lots of chocolate bars in my bag for my return to uni
  • My brother landed safely back from his time in Switzerland
  • I was looked after so well by my GP and nurse on Thursday who went above and beyond to help me
  • I got an unexpected invitation
  • I started an inspirational book called ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert
  • I saw a tiny wild bunny on my way to a seminar
  • I tasted the most delicious flapjack that I have ever had (and I have had a lot of flapjacks over the years!)

These things may seem really small and random but when each of these events appeared in my life they made my heart smile a little broader and me more resolute to radiate positivity into other people’s lives so that they could feel that special feeling too, if only for a moment.

5 WAYS TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR SPRING

Here in the UK we are experiencing the initial couple of weeks of Spring after the snow which covered us in March. So, here are five ways to make the most of this lovely season…

1) Keep a look-out for beautiful spring flowers
Spring flowers are my favourite of any season. The vibrant colours of daffodils, tulips and crocuses light up my day and give me a renewed sense of appreciation for my surroundings. I feel that Spring is when nature looks at its most hopeful, as new growth starts to flourish and what looked barren a few weeks ago suddenly looks bountiful and promising. So, as you are going about your days, try to keep an eye open for the variety of colours and shapes which Spring flowers offer and hopefully the sight of them will offer a bit more colour and light to your day!

2) Eat your breakfast outside
This one may sound odd but if you have a patio, garden or balcony eating in the glow of the sunshine can be a heartening start to your day and give you a brief time for reflection and appreciation before the bustle of daily life kicks-off. This may be especially appealing if you work in an office where you feel restricted from fresh air and the sun 

blog for spring 2during the bulk of the day.

3) Take advantage of the day being lighter for longer and go for a walk after work or school
During the winter it may seem like there are not enough hours in the day to do everything you want to and make the most of your time. However, the Spring offers a great opportunity to maximise your daily activity, adding to your sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Also, if you’re not great in the heat (like me), Springtime is perfect because the temperature remains at a happy medium.

4) Visit a farmer’s market
The inspiration of Spring and the returning blue skies and sunshine makes me more motivated to cook which feels especially good when you work with fresh produce from a farmer’s market. Getting your food this way can make you want to try making new meals when you see all of the offerings in front of you rather than buying your usual from the grocery store. Buying direct from farmers also has the added bonus of supporting farmers rather than when you buy food from supermarkets which does not offer farms as much profit.

5) Make plans for your summer
Spring gives us a renewed sense of anticipation for the summer as we remember the feeling of the sun on our skin and the gratification of more sunlight hours, so this is the perfect time to get started on your preparations for summer. This way you can look forward to all the activities you have planned in the near future and remind yourself of these whenever you are feeling low or demotivated.

10 QUOTES FOR SELF BELIEF

1.“The essence of independence has been to think and act according to standards from within, not without.” – Aleister Crowley

2. “This world is but a canvas to our imagination.” – Henry David Thoreau

3. “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

4. “The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

5. “For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” – Vincent Van Gogh

6.“There is darkness in light, there is pain in joy, and there are thorns on the rose.” – Cate Tiernan

7. “The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, story tellers and lovers of all kind.” – the Dalai Lama

8. “Freedom lies in being bold.” – Robert Frost

9. “Forever is composed of nows.” – Emily Dickinson

10. “I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.” – Sylvia Plath