My Goals For 2019

As 2018 comes to a close, I can’t help but wonder what 2019 might hold in-store for me. Creating long-term goals and having aspirations for the year ahead can be positive for my mental health; it gives me something to keep going for, ways to occupy my mind and shifts my perspective on what I can do with  my life. So, I decided to write down some of the goals I want to achieve in 2019. The reason I’m not using the term ‘resolutions’ is that ‘goals’ sounds more positive to me and gives me more room to adapt my plans throughout the year rather than having to stick completely to what I have resolved to achieve for the entirety of 2019.  

My Goals for 2019:

1. To stop playing scratch-cards

2. To find a more permanent/secure living arrangement

3. To create a treatment plan for my mental health

4. To at least be on the waiting list for top-surgery by the end of the year

5. To do more advocacy for mental health and transgender rights

6. To read 25 books

7. To do regular volunteer work for a charity during my summer break

8. To get my drivers’ licence 

9. To let go of toxic relationships and to not harbour unhealthy anger over them afterwards

10. To improve my relationship with food and achieve a healthy weight

 

If you want to see my daily ramblings, follow me on Twitter – @RyanBInNature.

 

Feel free to leave some of your goals for the New Year in the comments below!

 

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The Hogwarts Tag

I first saw this tag over at My Bookish Dream and I thought that it looked really fun, especially considering that I am obsessed with everything magical and Harry Potter related! You can go over and read her post here.

1. Are you a Pure-Blood or Half-Blood?

According to the DoQuizzes quiz, I am a pure-blood. I don’t know whether to be happy about this or not but coming from a magical family sounds like an interesting childhood!

2. Which wand chose me?

According to Pottermore, it was an alder wood wand with a unicorn hair core, 10 inches long and quite bendy.

3. Did you take a cat, owl or toad with you?

This is a difficult question because I would love the company of a cat but I absolutely love writing and sending letters which would be an easier task with an owl. Also, leaving the owl to be looked after in the Owlery would be less responsibility than having to look after a cat yourself the whole time at school, plus Hedwig totally won me over and made me an owl fan. So, I think I would have taken an owl along with me.

4. Where did the Sorting Hat put you?

I am in Slytherin; the house of the most shrewd, cunning, resourceful and ambitious students!

5. What House did you want to be placed in?

I always had a sort of affinity with Slytherin, however I could see the merits in being in any of the four houses, so I wasn’t too desperately attached to the idea of being in either.

6. What lessons are your favourite and least favourite?

My favourite is Defence Against the Dark Arts because it is the most practical of the classes and involves learning a lot about every area of magic. My least favourite is divination because honestly Professor Trelawney gives me the creeps a bit and those lessons would get me easily bored I think.

7. What is your patronus?

My patronus is a buzzard which is quite cool considering that it is an animal which can fly.

8. What does your boggart look like?

Me in my old age having never undergone my gender transition and still feeling the same level of anxiety and sadness which I feel on a daily basis now. This is the most scary thing I can think of to be honest, if I let myself down and never make the progress I want to in life, I can’t imagine living in the same level of emotional pain which burdens me on a daily basis currently.

9. Do you partake in any magical hobbies or school sports?

It would be quite cool to use magic to do cool craft projects, like Mrs Weasley does with her self-knitting needles!

10. Where would you spend your spare time?

In the Slytherin common room probably or chilling-out at The Three Broomsticks!

11. What would you most likely get detention for?

Probably for being late to lessons because my sense of direction isn’t brilliant so I could easily end-up getting lost on my way to class.

12. What career do you want after graduating Hogwarts?

I would be an author of fiction books for witches and wizards and would hope that my stories would be common knowledge amongst magical families!

 

Anyone reading this who fancies doing this tag, I tag you!

If you want to read my daily ramblings, follow me on Twitter – @RyanBInNature.

Find some of my other Harry Potter posts below:

The Harry Potter Tag

The Wisdom of Rubeus Hagrid

5 Lessons I Learned From The Harry Potter Books

Unpopular Opinions – Harry Potter Edition

 

1. I actually do enjoy the Fantastic Beasts franchise

Since the release of ‘The Crimes of Grindelwald’, I’ve seen a lot of criticism online about the Fantastic Beast stories as a whole. People have said that it is unnecessary to make more films about JK Rowling’s Wizarding World and that they should have left the Harry Potter series as the ending for this world. Also, others have said that Fantastic Beasts simply resembles leftover author’s notes from JK Rowling and that she is prolonging the series for the sake of money etc. Apart from the fact that, I assume, JK Rowling has more than enough funds to be getting on with, I genuinely do enjoy this new franchise. Whilst I am not blind to its flaws (such as continuity issues) the visual experience of seeing these gloriously detailed films and revisiting Hogwarts (my spiritual home!) is more than enough to get me hooked!

2. I love Slytherin House

I am very, very biased about this one considering that I am in Slytherin myself according to Pottermore! However, I do think that the House is unfairly demonised by people who assume everyone who belongs to it must be evil. In fact, I believe, the traits of the House amount to a person being resourceful and knowing what they want which are no bad things (as long as people do not go too far in their quests for what they want!).

3. I find Dumbledore vaguely annoying!

I know that it seems wrong to say this about such a well-loved and and cherished character but honestly the way that he manipulates events and withholds certain truths when he feels like it became really quite frustrating to me during the Harry Potter books and films. The fact that he was always so sure that he knew best and asked so much of the people around him was not a typically benevolent characteristic. 

 

CONTACT ME:

Twitter – @RyanBInNature

 

Read my Harry Potter Tag here.

Expecting The Worst

I surprise myself
When my ink does not make me gag;
To enjoy an impression of my existence
Is a call to confidence,
Harking from deep inside my soul.

It’s strange how very menacing
A morsels is to consume
If it hails from the fibres
Of your own energised hands,
Bearing the weight of your fingerprints.

The Autumn Tag

I first saw this tag over on Hart of Blogging and thought it looked fun. Even though I haven’t actually been tagged in this, I will not let that stop me! So, without further ado, here is my Autumn Tag:

1) What signifies the start of autumn for you?

This probably very predictable but autumn feels like it officially starts for me when the leaves start to change colour. As soon as the luscious greens of summer begin to fade and the warm, earthy hues begin to take their place, I can really relish the changing of the seasons.

2) What is your favourite autumn scent?

I’m not one for sweet scents like the ones often found in Yanky Candles. So, I much prefer richer heady scents, such as ginger, cranberry or fig at this time of year. These probably sound like quite strange choices but pumpkin and vanilla scents do not appeal to me for the most part, even at this time of year.

3) Are you a fan of pumpkin spice latte?

I feel like the only person in the world who has never tried a pumpkin spice latte! For the most part, I avoid Starbucks anyway because I view them as an unethical company. So, overall it seems that I am failing on the autumn checklist so far!

4) Apple or pumpkin pie?

Another unpopular admission here; I really do not enjoy the taste of pumpkins. Genuinely, when I have tried it before I have almost gagged! It’s unfortunate because pumpkins look so beautiful that I really wish I could enjoy them as a food as well. 

5) What TV show, new or old, are you looking forward to in the next few months?

As I’ve said before, I’m not particularly a TV fan (I really am cracking out all of the unpopular opinions during this tag aren’t I?!). Although, I do have a soft spot for Riverdale, even though I am literally a series behind because I am so slow at getting through episodes. There are definitely some creepy elements to Riverdale which give it a somewhat spooky feel, so I’m really looking forward to (finally) catching-up with it.

6) What is your favourite autumn fashion trend?

The comeback of hoodies, bobble hats and cosy coats after the heat of summer.

7) What is your favourite comfort food to enjoy during the cooler months?

Veggie casseroles, hearty lentils and curries definitely! I love warming and hearty meals at this time of year, so I decided to get myself a slow cooker the other day so I can make big batches of these meals.

8) What is your favourite autumn activity?

Walking my dogs around the streets where crunchy yellow, orange and red leaves have fallen along my path. Walking in the cold, crisp autumn air is a treat, especially with my dogs trotting along beside me.

9) Are you a fan of horror movies?

Put it this way, when I watched the Woman In Black at the cinema I had nightmares for a ridiculously long time afterwards. So I tend to avoid horror films as best I can.

10) Do you ever do anything fun for Halloween?

I always stay in and I never dress-up but that’s a choice I make because I prefer to do things which I consider fun, such as making my home look and feel atmospheric and reading creepy books!

11) What was your favourite part of Halloween as a child?

I used to craft fake witches’ potion books, as well as draw magic-themed pictures which I especially enjoyed when it distracted me from the prospect of having to dress-up in a Halloween costume!

12) Are you a bigger fan of Bonfire Night or Halloween night?

Probably Halloween night because my dogs get scared of the fireworks which go off on Bonfire Night.

13) Where is your dream destination to visit during autumn?

Vancouver Island is definitely on my travel bucket list, not least because its landscape is stunning at any time of year. Also, I would love to visit Denver in the USA for its largely unspoiled natural features. 

14) Do you always forget about the clocks going back?

Not really, although I do often forget to change a few of the clocks around my home which creates a few moments of confusion on the same day it changes.

15) When do you usually start for preparing for Christmas?

I don’t do much to prepare for Christmas overall except for purchase presents for others which, in general, starts in the first week of December. 

 

YOU CAN FIND ME HERE:

Twitter – @RyanBInNature

Instagram – @awalkwithnature00

Unpopular Opinions – University Edition

1) Seminars are nearly unbearable and I barely ever get anything useful out of them

As someone who suffers with anxiety, I hate seminars. It feels like a magnifying glass is being placed over the fact that I am useless at speaking in front of people, so I clam-up and find my body ridden with tension for the duration of the seminar. To be honest, I have expelled so much energy over being anxious about the seminar that the majority of the material we cover just passes me by. In addition, I’ve always been more of an independent learner, meaning that I find it easier to teach myself concepts using my own methods rather than attempt to absorb what someone else is telling me.

2) It is not worth the £9,250 a year 

To be fair, I know this fee is a lot less than what students in other countries have to pay (I’m looking at you America) but I still think it is overpriced. We are being trained to become a functional part of the economy later in life, if nobody went to University the country would be in an extremely difficult predicament (I have a better word I want to use but I’m trying to keep swear words out of this post!). So, surely a better way to run the system would be to not put us in debt for the majority of our working lives unless you want to make Higher Education so unobtainable and unattractive a prospect that young people reject it out of hand?

3) Academia is inaccessible and elitist

First of all, academic books cost a small fortune, so it is no surprise that only a couple of people in each class actually purchase the required reading materials. Honestly, I actually felt compelled to play The Lottery the same day as I bought my books for Uni this year out of sympathy for my bereft bank account! Also, in a lot of cases, it feels like the technical jargon and overuse of words which are never used in everyday life just serve to put up barriers between people who hadn’t swallowed the dictionary by the time they were six and academic success. Things can be said just as effectively without drawing out concepts into hundreds of 10-syllable words and confusing sentences which go on for half a page without a comma.

4) Half of the stuff I study has no relevance to my interests

Although I picked a course I was interested in, the fact that the actual content of what I study is determined year by year by the interests of staff rather than students means that the things which particularly interest me can be swiped from the curriculum before I have a chance to study them. The depressing fact is, I have ended-up studying the same time periods and concepts multiple times because diversity within my course has been whittled down so much. 

5) Compulsory modules should be banned

This is something I feel with a passion. Why, oh why, do Universities force students to study particular things which may have absolutely no interest or relevance to them? In someone’s first year, compulsory modules are somewhat understandable because it gives students a broad basis of knowledge and exposes them to lots of different perspectives but, for second and third year students, it useless to force them to take one module in literary theory for instance when they have decided they want to specialise in history. 

I should probably stop ranting now before my blood pressure rises any further but I would be really interested to hear what any of you think about these opinions I have raised, no matter whether you agree or disagree with me. Also, do you have any unpopular opinions about University or college that you would like to add?

 

YOU CAN FIND ME HERE…

Twitter – @RyanBInNature

Instagram – @awalkwithnature00

5 Things I Pack To Combat Travel Anxiety

Airplane journeys can be very stressful experiences. Once you have made it through the rigours of airport security and finding your gate in the maze of identical looking passageways, you will probably already feel frazzled and at your wits’ end. Then, actually having to go through the experience of air travel is just another weight to put on your already stressed-out shoulders. There are certain things I make sure that I pack in order to combat the sort of travel anxiety which being thousands of feet up in the air surrounded by strangers causes! So, without further ado, here are 10 things I make sure to pack to try and keep myself calm:

1. Fidget/stim toys

I use discreet little toys such as Tangles or Fidget Cubes to help exercise some of my nervous energy which flying provokes. Being able to fiddle with these little toys allows me to pour all of my focus and concentration into using them which then distracts me from my anxious thoughts. Also, there is something about their familiarity to me which adds a certain comfort to holding them in my hands, almost like what a comfort blanket is to a young child I guess!

2. Mints

Mints are another great way to distract the mind from anxious thoughts and anchor your focus back onto you rather than what others are doing around you. You can use them for mindfulness practice as well, if that’s your sort of thing, because you can make yourself solely focus on the taste/texture/feeling of the mint in your mouth which can help prevent you from becoming scatter-brained.

3. Earphones

Listening to music is one of my favourite ways to combat anxiety in any situation regardless of my location, so it makes sense to use the same tactic against travel anxiety. Playing music in my ears can help me shut out the presence of people around me, making me less aware of the people surrounding me who I may otherwise be worried about. Also, if I can completely immerse myself in music, especially albums which I have listened to many, many times before, then I can lessen my concern about being sat in an aeroplane.

4. Harry Potter

Some people might find this silly or immature but frankly I do not care. Harry Potter things make me feel happy and the familiarity of the Wizarding World is a comfort to me. Don’t laugh but I have the soundtrack for the Prisoner of Azkaban on my iPad, I find the music from the Harry Potter films both enchanting and nostalgic and when I am anxious. I aim to convince my brain that I am safe and give myself space to feel calm, so Harry Potter is a good outlet for my worried brain.

5. A book

Whether fiction or non-fiction, books are a brilliant distraction as they give us the possibility of immersing ourselves in an author’s creation. Pouring over the pages of a good book offers an avenue into a world different from our own.

CONTACT ME:

Twitter – @RyanBInNature

Instagram – @awalkwithnature00

Unpopular Opinions Part 2

I’ve decided to write a sequel to my first ‘Unpopular Opinions’ post because I enjoyed the response to my last one so much. It’s really fun to share your thoughts with other people and find that they agree with you when other people have always told you that your opinions are weird and odd. So, without further ado, here is my second post of my Unpopular Opinions and please leave comments about whether or not you agree with me down below!

1. I find yellow to be an annoying colour; it’s so bright and loud that it feels invasive and blares at you from across the room.

2. I hate champagne and proseco, they’re supposed to be celebration drinks but their taste is enough to put a dampener on any good news.

3. I think sliders are the worst footwear creations since Crocs, if nothing else I’m worried that people are going to slip out of them whilst going down the stairs and fall over.

4. The majority of premium range, expensive cars look repulsive to me, I much prefer the look of normal, everyday cars.

5. For me, Urban Outfitters is massively over-rated and overpriced, I just do not see the appeal.

6. I think greetings cards with glitter on them should be banned, I hate the stuff when it explodes out of the envelope and little specks of glitter hang around for years, stubbornly refusing to leave every orifice of your home.

7. I do not particularly like the taste of avocados, I find them bland and wouldn’t go out of my way to cook with them.

8. A6 notepads are little wads of frustration, you may as well try to cram what you want to write onto a post-it for all the space an A6 page gives you.

9. The first Divergent film is great, the others I found quite disappointing especially considering I loved the books so much.

10. I prefer to go to colder climates on holiday when I go abroad, warmer climates just make me grumpy!

11. I hate it when people criticise fan fiction and fan art, people being creative in whatever form should be encouraged rather than demeaned.

 

Unexpected Ways Poetry Made My Life Better

TRIGGER WARNING: I DO BRIEFLY TOUCH ON EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

The word ‘prom’ conjures images of a glamorous night of celebration shared between a peer group who have shared the stress of schoolwork, teen drama and exams together. Long dresses which glide along the floor, folds of expensive material and dates’ arms slung around each other come to mind. Perhaps this is simply the rose-tinted image I have gathered from endless cliched American high school movies where the bullied girl turns-up to prom looking every inch the movie star whilst the ‘mean girls’ suffer the worst night of their lives. I wouldn’t know what a real-life prom looks like because I have never been to one. Not even my own one. Anxiety made sure that I stayed away. I could not bare the thought of going and having to endure an evening with my bullies.

Secondary school and especially the last year of GCSEs was really difficult for me. By year 11, I was depressed and plagued by suicidal thoughts. School felt like a prison where every negative thought I had was heightened to unbearable levels and my fear of failure was magnified, even encouraged, by teachers who wanted good grades on their record. I was swamped with self-doubt and tortured myself with imagined scenarios with my disappointed parents which I was convinced would occur if I did not get the results which were expected of me.

Alongside the pain of academic expectation was my growing sense of anxiety. My mum had to drop me off directly outside the door to my school and pick me up from the same location at the same time everyday because I was so anxious about being outside rather than within the safe confines of my own home. The voices of my bullies ricocheted around my head all day everyday whilst I was at school and snide looks in the locker-room was all it took for my self-confidence to take another battering.

Regular meetings with the school therapist were my only saving grace. Whilst talking out loud to her was a struggle (as I explained in my previous post ‘What Is Wrong With My Voice?’) she encouraged me to express my feelings in the form of poetry. The words began to pour out of me and became a significant source of communication between me, my counsellor and my head of house. Whilst my peers teased me for how quiet I was and how little I spoke, this very fact became my strength in regards to my creativity. Though I have never been loud or outspoken, this has never meant that I have had nothing to say. In fact, it almost felt like I saved-up all of my thoughts and insight for my poetry which allowed me to explore the depths of my mind like nothing else could.

Poetry slowly allowed me to gain some confidence. Writing poetry gave me a sense of achievement and the encouragement of my counsellor and head of house made me believe in the words I was writing. Poetry restored within me a sense of identity which had been dwindling away from me for years. I found my own unique voice which I was not frightened to use, unlike my verbal, spoken voice.

In many ways, I see poetry as both my therapy and my passion. This may seem unusual because therapy is frequently portrayed as something which is impossible to enjoy, a chore or a source of heartache. However, whilst poetry can bring many hurtful feelings to the fore of my mind, the creativity which is intertwined with the act of writing makes it not only bearable but beautiful.

Unpopular Opinions

I thought I should share a bit more about my personality here on my blog, so I’ve decided to share some opinions of mine which people often find to be weird or unusual. People have called me quite contrary in the past but I would be interested to hear what you think about the items on this list and whether you agree or disagree with me!

So, without further ado, here is a list of some unpopular opinions I hold:

1. I find Kindles annoying, so I will only read from a physical book.

2. I hate the word ‘banter’ and I cringe when people say it.

3. I think the Twilight films are great and I still watch them now.

4. Long nails scare me so I would never have fake ones put on.

5. I don’t think enough emphasis is placed on creativity or individuality at school.

6. I dislike watching TV and I never usually finish a TV series as a result.

7. For the most part, I find short stories boring.

8. I prefer Vans to Converse.

9. I think silver jewellery is much nicer than gold jewellery.

10. I’m not a fan of rose gold or copper ornaments and decorations because they remind me of the colour of dirty pennies.

11. Winter is my favourite season whilst summer is my least favourite.

12. I really do not understand the appeal of fizzy drinks, to me they taste horrible.

13. I think breakfast is the best meal of the day and I would happily eat it for lunch and dinner as well.

14. My favourite Harry Potter characters are Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

15. The feeling of velvet makes me want to gag because it feels so repulsive to me.

16. If someone hugs me or even just touches my shoulder without my express consent, my head feels like it’s going to explode and I really do not understand why some people feel the need to constantly touch the person they are talking to whilst they are in a conversation.

17. Going to Primark is my idea of a terrible time and even the thought of it gives me anxiety.