My Relationship With Alcohol

TRIGGER WARNING: if talking about alcohol/alcohol abuse triggers you, please do not read this.

My relationship with alcohol is complex. In all honesty, I’m not supposed to consume alcohol at all because of the medication I am on but that is a rule I have ignored repeatedly, especially in this semester at University.

I think it is important to make clear that I am not a social drinker, meaning that I only ever drink alone. So, you might think it is completely normal for a 19 year old to use alcohol as a release, however many 19 year olds drink in friendship groups on nights-out as a way of having fun. I, on the other hand, drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk in my flat at night so that I do not have to grapple with the thoughts and feelings swirling around my mind. This is where I believe my relationship with alcohol becomes unhealthy.

When I make the decision to drink alcohol, it is because I want to forget about the things that are weighing me down. So, I drink strong spirits until I cannot think straight anymore. So, really I view drinking as a crutch; a way of getting through the night when I am too emotionally spent to deal with my own emotions any longer.

The buzz I get from drinking, the way it makes me feel light and removed from the person I spend the rest of my time being is difficult to ignore. A niggling voice remains at the back of my head every time I feel myself spiralling into a dark realm of thinking. It tells me to ‘just have a drink, it will make everything feel better’. That voice becomes stronger at night, especially if I’m craving sleep.

As I am writing this, a drop of alcohol has not crossed my lips for the past two weeks. I have been making a conscious effort to exert control over my impulse to drink away my thoughts. Although, it has left me wondering why I bother because avoiding alcohol has, if anything, just made me feel worse. Being sober has not brought any great epiphany to my life which the idealistic side of my personality so hoped it would.

Alcohol is a part of my life I keep secret from many people. My support worker at University knows that drinking carries a heavy amount of temptation for me and continues to warn me against it because of the conflict it holds with my medication. I was also honest about it at my last mental health assessment, not that I felt it had any effect on the outcome of my assessment. However, I keep my drinking very separate from my family, it is a part of my life that they have little insight into. Whilst they know that I drink, I have never told them the thoughts and behaviours which go alongside my alcohol intake.

One thing my destructive behaviours have taught me over the years is how to keep secrets.

 

Poems about my relationship with alcohol:

Finding Comfort In A Bottle

Finding Comfort In A Bottle – Part Two

 

If you want to see more daily ramblings from me, follow me on Twitter – @RyanBInNature

 

Resources for help with alcohol-related issues:

Recreational drugs and alcohol – Mind, the mental health charity

Drugs, alcohol and the links with mental health – Rethink Mental Illness

Alcohol and mental health – Drinkaware

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5 thoughts on “My Relationship With Alcohol”

  1. You know best thing is that you know what you are doing….so if you want you can control this habit….drinking in a controlled manner is not bad but drinking out of limit is really not good for you in the long run as you never know when it becomes addiction, you are young.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I drank to quiet my anxiety and depression for many years and because my medication wasn’t working correctly anymore, my mental health got worse over time. My first year sober was really, really hard. But now that I’m 2 years sober I can tell you it’s completely worth it. This year has been the best year of my life in a really long time. I will say that if you’re struggling to stay sober it might be good to reach out to an AA group. They even have meetings online at intherooms.org. It sounds like you may be into addiction territory. Also your brain will tell you that you feel worse because it wants you to do what you “know” will make you feel better. You have to give it time. If you search alcohol use disorder you can find a list of behaviors that will tell you if maybe you are an addict. You can also find it under mental health/addiction on my blog. Let me know if you have any questions!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The irony is I am now sitting here writing this drunk
      Thank you so much for your help and advice maybe I really do need it
      I’m going to check your blog out now
      Thank you so much for caring enough to write comment

      Like

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