It is the summer holidays and I have weeks of time to spare before I go back to University at the end of September. However, that is not always how it feels. The rush to save money before the next academic year kicks-in is stressful and has led me to worry about what I am going to do after Uni.
I have applied to an endless list of jobs, the majority of whom have not replied to me even to do the courtesy of rejecting my application. I now have a part-time job which offers me 12 hours of work a week which I feel really lucky to have because I know how desperate other people in my position are to get any job, no matter how little hours are offered to them. I remain frustrated though.
It feels like I did everything I could to stay afloat during school and college; I maintained good grades even when my mental health was failing and I struggled to leave the house. Now I am at University, studying for a degree which is challenging me academically, yet I am still an unappealing prospect to employers. It feels like so many people have A-Levels and have been to University that now having a good academic record is not impressive anymore, it is simply just expected.
My CV looks bare because throughout my years of school and college, I was struggling with my mental health. It was achievement enough for me to even attend classes let alone take on extracurriculars. However, to employers I look like someone who has not tried to engage enough and does not have any interests because they can’t see the fact that I went through copious sessions of counselling to try and enable me to get through school and inch towards being able to join clubs and societies. To them I am a statistic rather than a person.
In the end, I have had to look at what I really want from life. Do I want to prioritise money over my mental health and happiness? No. Do I want to allow an employers’ view of me to dictate my self-worth and confidence? No. Do I want to let myself dwell in my own self-pity? No, I have seen before where this can lead me and it is somewhere I do not want to return to.
Essentially, I am learning that things often do not work out how we envision them. You may visualise your ideal situation and put all of your energies into achieving that state of mind and being only to find yourself unable to get there. I am learning to accept that this is ok. When these things happen and you don’t get to where you want to be, often this is for a reason and you can learn so much more from the unexpected results you alight upon in comparison to the place you imagined you would be in. I would not have learnt the power of acceptance if things had worked out the way I originally wanted them to. I have built-up my emotional strength as the tides of disappointment and rejection have arrived at my feet. I have learnt that I should not give other people, especially people I have never met, the power to define your own self-worth.
If you are struggling with something similar or feel like you have ‘failed’ at something recently, here are some helpful resources on how to deal with your experiences: